Morning After With a Vengence
by TheCauldron
Summary: Morning After Episode IV. A New Hope. It is a period of drunken shenanigans. Rebel whiskey bottles, striking from a hidden lounge room, have won their first victory against the evil forces of sobriety. During the battle, Rebel Hermione's managed to gain secret access to the Dark Side's ultimate weapon; The Animal Onesie. A garment with enough power to destroy an entire reputation.


**Authors Note: Drunk_Harry strikes again! Seriously, I have pictures of him passed out in all his penguin onesie clad glory on my couch cuddling a bottle of vodka. This is his latest not-so-secret contribution to my Morning After series. Please enjoy my brother's ramblings! As always, kudo's and compliments will be forwarded in the form of alcoholic tributes. Also, I edited this with a migraine, so sorry for any mistakes that I missed/made.  
**

The morning sun came stabbing through closed eyelids like a pair of red hot knives as wakefulness came with brutal abruptness.

There was a terribly familiar feeling to the sound that had invaded his slumber with no consideration for the pounding headache it was exacerbating; familiar and alarming like something well known but terribly, horribly dangerous. Straining his ears he waited for the noise to repeat so as to assess how much peril he was in.

"Explain yourself!"

Shit.

Harry prised his eyes open, grimacing against the morning sunlight, to the sight of a very angry and very disgruntled Professor McGonagall holding what appeared to be a laptop computer.

There was something distinctly familiar but also completely wrong about this scene. The sight of a Hogwarts teacher holding a piece of such obviously muggle technology was a bit like looking at a centaur in a sequined boob tube.

"What is the meaning of this?" demanded McGonagall, opening the computer to show a browser window opened to YouTube.

Harry tried desperately to focus on the teacher who was unhelpfully not explaining how she came to be standing in his living room. She glared back and continued not explaining it right at him as hard as she could.

Suddenly Harry realised why the scene was so familiar, and he sprung up from the uncomfortable couch he'd been sleeping on and scanned the lounge room with wild eyes.

"Wait!" He cried. "This isn't right!" He stared hard at McGonagall.

"You're supposed to be Hermione! Why aren't you Hermione?"

"What nonsense are you talking now, Mister Potter?" She snapped "I demand to know the meaning of this outrageous behavior!" She jabbed her finger towards the computer.

Something inside Harry died a little at those words, and the rest of him wilted visibly as he steeled himself to give what he fervently hoped was going to be an astonishingly good piece of finely crafted bullshit.

"You see Pro…"

"Quiet, Potter," snapped the angry witch, "I'm sure Ms. Granger does not need you to speak for her."

There was a muffled groan as the entire couch seemed to come to life. One of the cushions went flying, and up popped the last shaggy head Harry had ever expected to see emerge, hung over from inside his sofa.

Evidently she'd been asleep inside it, which explained why Harry found it so uncomfortable to lie on. He wondered briefly through his headachy fog where the innards of his couch had gone, but remembering his current circumstances decided that was a question for another time.

"I'm waiting, Miss Granger. Explain yourself," McGonagall demanded fixing Hermione with a look that would make Satan himself quail.

This turn of events was all too bizarre for Harry to process in his current state. Hermione was the villain of the piece this time? How did that even happen? It was like someone had turned the weirdness dial all the way from zero to Pink Floyd while he wasn't watching.

By this stage the others had stirred from their respective stupors, and emerged from every nook and cranny to see what all the fuss was about. Neville fell from the top of the bookshelf where he had somehow fallen asleep, looked up, saw the computer and with a squeal ran and dived headlong into the sofa recently vacated by Hermione.

"Take it away," came his muffled voice from under the cushions.

Charlie looked puzzled.

"Since when has Neville been afraid of computers?" He asked.

"Since now I suppose," replied Ron, every bit as confused as his brother.

"Why couldn't they just get 2 cups?" Came Neville's traumatized voice from inside the couch.

"What are you on about, Longbottom?" Demanded Draco.

Neville ignored the question.

"It smells like dog food in here," he added miserably.

"Enough!" Cried McGonagall "Miss Granger, explain your condu… Wingarduim Leviosa!"

Hermione, realizing what was about to happen, had attempted to lurch out of the apartment, but was not fast enough. She found herself suspended mid-air desperately trying to swim to the door but succeeding only in looking like a shaggy, disheveled rat in a bathtub.

The angry older woman walked over to the computer and pressed play on a video.

 _Hermione, wearing a beaver onesie, was staring into the camera. She had a pair of glasses drawn on her face in what appeared to be eyeliner, and the word 'scar' written on her forehead in the same. On her onesie she wore a stick on label that said "Hi my name is… Harry." She stepped back from the camera and the scene behind her became visible. A hewn stone wall, obviously a castle._

"Is that…" began Seamus.

"Hogwarts," McGonagall replied grimly. "That's right."

 _Just then, a familiar looking tabby cat came racing down the corridor pursued by a cackling maniac dressed as a penguin. Anyone familiar with how these things unfolded did not have to look too hard to see who it was. Hermione opened a door that had not been there a moment ago, to show what looked like a greenhouse full of plants inside._

" _Quick professor!" Called Hermione. "In here!"_

 _The cat changed directions on a pinpoint and darted into the room, and Beaver Hermione shut and bolted the door._

"That was you, Professor!" Gaped Ron.

"Quite," replied the professor shifting awkwardly.

"But how did…" Ron began.

"Catnip," She interrupted.

"How mu…"

"Enough," she snapped.

" _Did you see that?" Hermione said, looking back into the camera. "A little bit of catnip and she's completely McGoggle eyed!"_

" _I know," replied Harry from off camera. "The Minerv of some people! Still while the cat's away…"_

" _PUDDING!" Shouted Hermione, happily hiccupping and burping at the same time. Clearly she wasn't as alcohol proof as Harry appeared to be on these little jaunts._

"Pudding?" A bemused Dean asked the suspended Hermione. Hermione opened her mouth to speak but a technicolor waterfall of firewhisky, curry and what looked like a small handful of coins rained down from her mouth and splashed the already irate professor's shoes.

McGonagall cleaned it up with a flick of her wand.

"Why were there coins?" Wondered Draco aloud.

 _The video changed to show Hermione holding a large microphone marked DADA News and looking directly into the camera with a serious expression. The sight of animal enclosures visible over her shoulder made it plain she was in a zoo. She turned to observe a terrible ruckus which had erupted behind her, as two large lions ran past closely pursued by a pair of zoo keepers, one of whom was shouting "Stop them! They're our only breeding pair!"_

 _Hot on the heels of the keepers came a large herd of wildebeest like creatures followed by a familiar 6 foot tall penguin whooping wildly with a large squirming cat tucked under each arm._

 _Hermione turned back to the camera and in her best newscaster voice said, "That's it for the head lions, now here are the gnus."_

 _The sound of a clanging gate was followed by Harry's unmistakable voice shouting, "and STAY out! Stupid cows!"_

"I can't believe I'm seeing this!" Exclaimed Ron, sitting down hard. "Hermione how this... I mean what… I mean…. I don't know what I mean." He finished at a loss for where to take his sentence.

 _The video had changed again and the pair were now back outside the room of requirement. Hermione was holding the two large tom cats from the zoo by their scruffs and sternly lecturing them._

" _You two play nice with Profeftor McGoggiggle, kitties". The large tom cats yowled angrily._

 _Harry stood ready to open the door as Hermione called, "Profegger McConjugal… We got you some friends!"_

 _Harry opened the door and Hermione gave the two large tom cats the old heave to and sent them flying into the room. Harry had the door closed before the hapless, heavily catnipped animagus could escape._

 _The room behind the door immediately exploded in a din of yowling, hissing and thumping noises as soft bodies hit the other side of the door. Hard._

" _She's playing the tom toms," said Hermione giggling._

The room became deathly quiet as the eyes of everyone present, including the still-suspended-in-mid-air Hermione turned towards Professor McGonagall who was glowering like the very spectre of ill will.

"Professor, I'm…" began Hermione before having to clamp her mouth shut in order to avoid befouling the professor's shoes again.

 _The video had changed again. Hermione was sitting on the grass in what appeared to be a park with Professor McGonagall, still in cat form and now wearing a baby bonnet, unconscious in her lap._ _Harry's voice came from off camera._

" _I'm hungry. How much money do we have?"_

 _Hermione lifted the dormant teacher's tail and studied her bottom intently for a few seconds._

" _There's nothing in the kitty" she replied with a giggle._

" _What happened to all the money we brought?" came Harry's voice again._

" _Worst chocolate coins ever!" Hermione burped and slumped sideways._

 _Just then the two keepers from the zoo hove into view with two police officers._

" _That's them!" One of them cried, and the four ran towards Hermione and Harry._

 _Hermione threw the unfortunate feline, which was just beginning to stir, in the air with a cry of "Fly! Be free!" and ran off as the flailing Transfiguration Mistress hit the ground with a tooth loosening thud. It was at this point that any observers learned that cats do not, in fact, always land on their feet._

The atmosphere in the room was absolutely still, absolutely silent, and absolutely ghastly. All eyes were on Hermione who was in tears by this stage.

"I didn't even drink!" She protested. "Professor I would never! You know I wouldn't!"

McGonagall glared.

"Miss Granger," she hissed, "you are lucky to have not been charged for this, and as soon as I find out the identity of the other person in the video I will deal with the both of you, you have my word." She turned on her heel and stalked from the apartment walking with a rather noticeable stiffness to her gait.

Released from her spell, Hermione crashed to the ground. The others stared, and Charlie started cackling hysterically.

"She never saw Harry's face!" He exclaimed. "I just realized it! _We_ all knew who it was of course, but she never actually saw him!" Hysterical laughter spread to everyone in the room as realization dawned. Everyone except Hermione.

Her voice cut through the raucous din like a rusty chainsaw.

"I DIDN'T EVEN _DRINK_!" She bawled. "What did you _do_ to me?"

Just then the video inexplicably began to play one last time.

 _Hermione was staring back into the camera looking like death lightly microwaved. "I hope Proceptor McDonaldman found romance with those two zoo guys," she said. "They were keepers."_

The video playback ended and Hermione shrieked. "I DIDN'T EVEN DRINK!"

Draco looked at Harry and shook his head.

"I don't get it," he mused. "She _didn't_ drink last night, but she was completely wasted; and yet Harry here is mostly fine and he drank enough for two pe... ople…. Oh boy."


End file.
